THERE AREstatements you hear in sports all the time. We take 'em one game at a time. Youhear them so often you want to stick your head in a blender. I'll tell youwhat—he's just special. You hear them so often, you want to become aBenedictine monk just for the silence. Yeah, I ordered the pills, but I nevertook 'em.
But I'll bet aBuick to a bratwurst that the following sentences have never been uttered inthe history of the English language....
• All rise forJudge Strawberry!
• Tiger, I beatyou five ways, so you owe me $100.
• Barry Bonds isthe feel-good story of the year!
• Shaq, you shootthe technical.
• Sorry, Mr.Daly, we're out of the tofu.
• And the TeamCitizenship Award goes to ... the Cincinnati Bengals!
• You know who'dbe fun—Tom Coughlin!
• More pie, Mr.LaLanne?
• There's justnot much interest in Alabama football this season.
• And put alittle more mousse on Bradshaw.
• That JeffGordon is sure a good ol' boy.
• I'm sorry,could you speak up a little, Mr. Vitale?
• Darn, there areno tickets available for tonight's Atlanta Hawks game.
• Hey, Rulon,wait for me to get my snowshoes and I'll come with you.
• With a major onthe line and one hole to play, I want the club in Monty's hands.
• I'll say itagain—you'll never find a better teammate than T.O.
• Gramblinggraduates, it's my privilege to introduce your commencement speaker, Mr. DonImus!
• Please, CarlLewis, will you favor us with another song?
• Baby, while I'mgone this weekend, I've asked Tom Brady to stay with you.
• SWIMSUIT EXTRA:ROSIE O'DONNELL WEARING NOTHING BUT PAINT!
• So you'll begoing straight from work to the Raiders game?
• Thank God thatMike Tyson was there to calm things down.
• Look up theword class in the dictionary, and you'll see Bob Huggins's picture next toit.
• If anythinghappens to me, I want Don King to handle my estate.
• I'm sick of theNHL on every damn channel.
• And once again,a Harvard man has won here at Talladega.
• No way theYankees can afford him.
• That dynastybegan the day they hired Wade Phillips.
• And this isArmani's new, exclusive Bud Selig clothing line.
• I really missthe XFL.
• I'm so tired oflending Mitch Albom money.
• Shoot the damnball, Kobe!
• And right then,at that very moment, God spoke to me and said, "Why would I care about astupid field goal?"
• Isn't it abouttime Coach K got some credit?
• How 'bout themDevil Rays!
• To me, theproblem with baseball is the games don't last long enough.
• Welcome, fans,to the Brian Bosworth film festival.
• What a completejerk that Jim Nantz is.
• My problem is,I can't keep track of all the scoring in soccer.
• Rice footballdoesn't rebuild, it reloads!
• Nah, Barkleysays he doesn't want to go out tonight.
• Pacman forSenate!
• That's right,Ray Lewis, I called you a wuss.
• Do you havethat in a size 2 for Serena?
• Sorry, fellas,the only bid we got was the Aloha Bowl.
• Hi, Mr.Amaechi, and welcome to Hooters.
• Man, thatReilly just never writes a clunker!
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I'll bet you a Buick to a bratwurst that this sentencehas never been uttered in the history of the English language: Sorry, Mr. Daly,we're out of the tofu.
RIFFS of REILLY
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PETER READ MILLER