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Original Issue

The Fine Print

HONESTLY, YOUmust have bought, accepted or scalped 500 pro sports tickets in your life,right? And in using those tickets, you legally agreed to the fine print on theback, right? And every time, before you walked in, you actually read what you'dagreed to, right? Wrong. You'd be surprised what it actually says backthere.

NOTICE: Bearer ofthis ticket shall not hold stadium authority, team or participants liable forany injury, death, heartburn, mysterious stains on pants, earaches from nonstopblaring P.A. music or nausea from footlongs that started cooking when AbnerDoubleday was a Little Leaguer. Stadium authority and team reserve the right tocharge five dollars for a bottle of water and to remove the cap from the bottlein the event that bearer might suddenly go completely Ron Artest and heave thecap at a player from the third deck and actually hit him. (And if bearer could,shouldn't he be playing centerfield?)

ADDITIONALLY:Speculation about how much a thrown water bottle cap would hurt and about howmany weapons ticket bearer could conceal in his pocket that would fly a lotbetter and do more damage than the cap will not be tolerated. Nor willcomplaints that stadium authority/team doesn't actually remove cap for safetyreasons anyway, but removes it so that when bearer kicks over bottle, waterwill run out and bearer will have to buy another for an additional fivedollars.

BE ADVISED:Bearer agrees implicitly and unalterably that even though he paid $125 for abox seat, it does not mean he can walk straight to that seat unaccompanied. Useof this ticket requires bearer to be escorted by stadium usher, who is entitledto block bearer's way and demand to see the ticket with ayou-can't-afford-to-be-down-here look and then sniff when he sees bearer is inthe right section. Bearer is then required to walk behind usher until usherdusts off a seat made to fit Kate Moss's butt after a two-month tofu binge.Having wedged into that seat, bearer is expected to tip usher for locating theseat, which any sighted person could have found at midnight in Ray-Bans duringan eclipse. Bearer should not expect, however, that when two beer-leakingloudmouths take the seats behind him and start burping and spilling and tellingdirty jokes with bearer's wife/girlfriend in the punch line that the usher willbe anywhere within four city blocks to do anything about it.

IN ADDITION: Beassured that stadium authority/team owner has not only overcharged bearer forthis seat and for his wilted nachos and lukewarm diet soda and for theridiculous and downright criminal "seat tax," but that owner is also atthis moment seated at Morton's cutting a 21-ounce porterhouse and a sweetheartdeal with the mayor to get bearer and all his friends and residents of thesix-county metroplex to pony up for a new $600 million stadium built with taxdollars even though current stadium is only 15 years old and absolutely fineexcept that the owner doesn't get enough luxury box, concession and parkingfees. And even though that new stadium built by bearers will have fewer seatsand will force current season-ticket holders to locations farther from theaction if they are not cronies of the owner or a city council member, beassured that owner will raise ticket prices.

RAINOUT POLICY:With purchase of this ticket, bearer accepts that even when the double doppleris telling team owner that a five-state storm is approaching (one that willdump enough water to float an ark at second base), owner will not cancel gameuntil the numbers are worn flat on bearer's Visa card with purchases ofparking, beer, rain jackets and his kid's fourth helmet-full-of-ice-cream.

PLEASE NOTE:Stadium authority, team and participants are able to do all this because bearerand other concretebrains like him keep buying tickets like this one without asmuch as a single "Ouch!"

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