HEY, THANKS for checking out the official website of Tiger Woods Design!
As you know, Tiger has just announced plans to design his first golf course in the U.S.—The Cliffs at High Carolina, near Asheville, N.C.
Click VIRTUAL TOUR and you can be one of the first to see what playing at a Tiger Woods course will be like!
Nobody less than Tiger's caddie, Steve Williams, will be waiting to "park" your car. (Note: Buicks only, please.) And don't be alarmed by Stevie's flame-retardant race suit!
It's all handled in our luxurious pro shop, where there's a sale on every day for red shirts and size 32 belts. (Note: We no longer accept American Express.) Everybody knows Tiger can be a little cheap, so count your change.
What to do with the kids?
Take advantage of our fantastic Swedish nanny day care center.
State of the art, naturally. The launch angle monitors are from NASA. And do you recognize the little guy driving the range cart? It's 2000 PGA Championship runner-up Bob May!
They're the best around. Each carries a GPS device that not only gives precise yardage but also a tip from Tiger! For instance, on this approach shot at the 12th hole, Tiger advises, "Hit a little chase 240-yard three-iron with a one-yard draw. Nip it so it bounces twice and checks. That ought to leave you with just a measly little 30-footer you can brush right in. Fist pump!" And if you screw up the shot, the device plays Phil Mickelson saying, "I'm such an idiot!"
And, yep, that's Fluff, having a smoke outside the caddie shack.
Why not get one from our fine teaching pro? (Note: Pro changes every three years.)
Need a fourth?
Tiger is always delighted to fill out any foursome! (Note: Customary $3 million appearance fee will apply.)
Before you play
Be sure to clean your cleats on the Rory Sabbatini floor mats. And feel free to use our Kodak Krusher on the 1st tee, as no cameras are allowed.
The 9,079-yard, par-59 Cliffs course features pinched and narrow fairways on most holes, but after 290 yards they open way up. All hazards, OB and lakes are on the left side. Enjoy the Nautilus training sessions on every tee box! (Note: Please don't inquire as to Tiger's workout.)
There are only two sets of tees here—the Tiger Tees, which are way back, and the Barkley Tees, which are 30 yards in front of the green.
No lefties allowed. No collared shirts. No Ryder Cup--style matches.
Tiger hates giving anybody strokes, so the holes at the Cliffs are not handicapped, except number 8, where only plus-7s get one shot.
The 1st hole is a standard 142-yard par 2. The 7th, our signature hole, features a mandatory bungee jump to the green. The 9th requires you to hit the ball under a nine-foot-high canopy of trees yet carry a 220-yard lake. (What, you don't have a "stinger" that can do that?)
Failure to cuss after a bad shot will result in immediate ejection from the course.
At the turn
Why not enjoy a bite at our amazing halfway house: Stephen Ames's 9 & 8. Be sure to try the Fried Ernie Eels!
You'll love the swoosh-shaped 13th. And the 15th has a drive-thru banking lane just in case Tiger has to deposit the estimated $200,000 he makes per day! You finish on the challenging 621-yard, par-4 18th, where the water hazard is 181 feet long, just barely big enough to hold those 180-foot yachts. Dock 'em if you got 'em!
After you putt out
Whether you play like Tiger or Tigger, one of our cuddly, elderly employees will be waiting to give you a warm, extended hug. Tissues provided.
Our clubhouse man, David Duval, is ready to serve you. And on the jukebox, choose from any song on the Hootie and the Blowfish Greatest Hit CD!
This airplane hangar has been turned into a Tiger Trophy Room. This contains all the trophies he won from ages three to six.
Stay for dinner
Chef Fuzzy Zoeller will be preparing his White Plate Special: fried chicken and collard greens! (Please note: The standard 2% Tiger Tip is included in all meals.)
At all Tiger Woods courses, Cablinasians play free!
If you have a comment for Rick Reilly, send it to email@example.com
RIFFS OF REILLY
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Click here and be one of the first to see what playing at a Tiger Woods--designed golf course is going to be like. (The Swedish nanny day care center is fantastic.)
PETER READ MILLER