MIXED MARTIAL ARTIST
The fighter,whose girlfriend is Jenna Jameson, has written a book, This Is Gonna Hurt.
Dan Patrick: Howlong, if you wanted me unconscious?
Tito Ortiz:Eleven seconds.
DP: What if Ithrew a shoe at you?
DP: If you're ata bar and somebody comes up and says, "You're not as big as Ithought...."
TO: That happensall the time.
DP: When is it gotime?
TO: Never. I lookthem in the eyes, and go, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm aconstruction worker." "This is what I do: We go to the gym, we kick,punch, knee, elbow, slam each other to the ground, try to beat each other aliveto make each other better. You want to show me how to build a house? Do youwant me to teach you how to fight?" They're like, "Uh, no."
DP: You're a buzzkill. See, I have a good buzz working, and I walk up to you and get tough, andthen all of a sudden I'm sober.
TO: Better soberthan in a pool of blood, right?
DP: You can't bethrilled that Kimbo Slice is the poster child for MMA.
DP: The thingthat bothered me is, there's groundswell word of mouth for MMA, and all of asudden CBS says, Let's cherry-pick and bring in this great story, Kimbo Slice.He's the baddest man on the planet—which he's not....
DP: If you wentinto the Octagon with Kimbo....
TO: It would lasta round, maybe.
DP: Of all peopleto fall in love with, porn star Jenna Jameson. How did you meet her?
TO: MySpace. I'mchecking my messages, and I looked at a friend request and saw, that's JennaJameson.
DP: Damn, I don'tget people like that on MySpace.
TO: [She said]I'm coming to your fight. Where's your after party? I was fighting KenShamrock. I beat him, and she came to the party.
DP: Do you haveto say to your friends, Get rid of the porn with her, O.K.?
TO: My friendsall watch it. I can't watch it any more—I won't watch it. [Laughter] Whatever,that was her past, and it's fine. My past was pretty bad.
ETIQUETTEQUESTION: If you're carried off the court and placed in a wheelchair, like PaulPierce was during Game 1 of the NBA Finals, don't you need to stay out for morethan two minutes of game time? Pierce's quick comeback should be good news, butthe drama of his exit leaves you feeling duped. Regardless, though, save thatwheelchair. Because if Boston wins the series, Pierce's ride will be up therewith Paul Revere's for Celtics fans, and this is a town that needs to takebetter care of its sports artifacts. Curt Schilling's bloody sock from the 2004ALCS went to the laundry. Jonathan Papelbon's last-out ball from the 2007 WorldSeries was chewed up by his dog. Those Spygate tapes were destroyed by the NFL.Isn't Boston supposed to be about preserving history, not throwing it away?
AT A friend'shouse I was offered a bottle opener that, when used, plays John Sterling'strademark, "Yankees win—Theeeee Yankees win!" I switched to twist-offs,but these broadcast calls might work better with the right products.
1. "BACK!BACK! BACK!" Chris Berman's home run call replaces the beep-beep-beep oftrucks backing up.
2. "THEKISS!" What woman wouldn't want to hear Bill Raftery's bank shot call whenshe uncaps her lipstick?
3. "DO YOUBELIEVE IN MIRACLES—yes!" How is Miracle Bra not already using AlMichaels's Olympic hockey line?
4. "I DON'TBELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!" Jack Buck's call of Kirk Gibson's home run couldwork well for a manufacturer of urinal cakes.
5. "THROW ITDOWN, BIG FELLA!" Bill Walton's signature phrase—that's the one thatbelongs on the bottle opener.
Parting Words ofthe Week
The day after hedecided to have season-ending surgery to relieve the pain in his rightshoulder, I spoke with Braves pitcher John Smoltz. And this is why he's one ofmy favorite athletes to talk to: I ask him how he's feeling, and he answers,"I'm still sore. I still can't brush my hair in spots."
THE FINE PRINT:Did you see the Belmont, which was run in 90° heat? The track was rated fast,trainer Rick Dutrow's shirt was rated sloppy.
Go toDANPATRICK.COM for more from Tito Ortiz and other recent interviews, and hearlive audio of Dan's radio show, 9 a.m. to noon ET, Mon.--Fri.
ADAM HUNGER/REUTERS (PIERCE)
PAUL ABELL/ATLANTA BRAVES/MLB PHOTOS/GETTY IMAGES (SMOLTZ)
JON KOPALOFF/FILMMAGIC/GETTY IMAGES (ORTIZ AND JAMESON)
ILLUSTRATION BY KEITH WITMER