Let's Play Milton Bradley!
Texas Rangers outfielder Milton Bradley said Thursday he wanted to "introduce" himself to Kansas City Royals television announcer Ryan Lefebvre after some negative comments made on the air. Bradley stormed up four flights of Kauffman Stadium stairs looking for Lefebvre after the Rangers' 11--5 victory Wednesday night.... Bradley has a history of losing his temper.
—Associated Press, June 12, 2008
CONGRATULATIONS on your purchase of the new Milton Bradley? Milton Bradley board game, where the goal is to be the first to lose all your marbles. (NOTE: Please do not throw marbles at other players, even if you think they've insulted you.)
Up to six people can play, one for each of Bradley's teams during his nine-year career: Montreal Expos, Cleveland Indians, Los Angeles Dodgers, Oakland A's, San Diego Padres and Texas Rangers. Watch for frequent updated editions of Milton Bradley that include his latest team. (A special Japanese version is anticipated by 2012.)
AGES: Old enough to know better.
SETUP: Everything you need to play is in the Milton Bradley Batter's Box, including dice, six marbles per player, fold-out board, game cards and just-for-fun stress-relief ball. Though it may appear that you're missing some of the cards, you're not. Part of the fun of Milton Bradley is that you never play with a full deck!
GAMEPLAY: Players roll the dice—just as teams do when they acquire Bradley!—and move to a square:
1. Be Like Milton.
Draw from the deck and try to guess how Bradley would react in real-life scenarios. Answer correctly and you lose a marble ... and roll again!
Example: You're playing rightfield, and a fan throws a plastic bottle in your direction. Do you: a) remove the bottle, then point security to the fan who might have thrown it? b) pretend to chug the bottle to mock fan drunkenness, then deposit it in the nearest recycling bin? c) spike the bottle at the feet of fans in the stands, then rip off your jersey as if auditioning for the WWE, leading to off-season anger-management therapy? (Answer: c, of course! Bradley did it in 2004.)
2. Know Your Milton.
Pick a card and test your Bradley expertise—with a lost marble on the line. For example, True or False: When an ornery teammate questions Bradley's hustle, Bradley discreetly talks to him about the issue then "hugs it out."
(Answer: False! When this happened in L.A. with Jeff Kent three years ago, Bradley ripped the second baseman to the media, saying Kent couldn't relate to black players. The tension between them lasted until the Dodgers unloaded Bradley after the season.)
3. On Whose !@#$ Authority?
Land on the middle finger icon and choose one authority figure to "challenge": Umpire, Manager, G.M. or Police Officer. Fill in the blank correctly, and you get to roll again ... and get rid of a marble! Example:
Q: When a cop pulls you over for speeding, you should [blank]?
A: Refuse to accept the ticket and zoom away, as Bradley did in 2003, leading to a three-day stay in jail.
4. Down He Goes!
Head straight to the DL (look for the icon of Mark Prior) and draw from the deck to determine your fate.
Injury cards include Pulled Hammy (lose a turn), Tweaked Oblique (two turns) and the dreaded Ump Attack. The last card sends you to Torn ACL Grotto, where you spend four turns "rehabbing," just as Bradley did in 2007 after he shredded his knee while being restrained from charging an umpire who'd insulted him.
5. Square of Redemption.
Land here and you gain two marbles (because while the goal of the game is to be bad, Bradley's got a lot of good in him). Squares include: Run a Youth Charity (icon of the Milton Bradley Baseball Academies for at-risk youth), Good Teammate (shot of a grinning Nick Swisher, Bradley's pal with the A's), Quiet Intelligence (cover of The Fountainhead, his favorite book) and Vie for a Batting Title (the number .332, Bradley's average when this edition was released). Be careful not to collect too many marbles—or make an All-Star team—because you might just end up Redeemed!
6. Five-Tool Immunity.
Land here and earn a special token (shaped like a bug-eyed scout). No matter what, you can always get back in the game with Five Tools!
HOW TO WIN: You can't! In keeping with the spirit of Milton Bradley himself, Milton Bradley makes no sense at all, but it sure is fun to play!
WARNING: We, the makers of this game, cannot guarantee that if you insult the real Milton Bradley during gameplay that he will not find you and "introduce" himself. If this happens, please refrain from telling him how you heard about this game. Seriously. If you need us, we'll be hiding in Ryan Lefebvre's basement.
TALK BACK
If you have ideas on how to improve Milton Bradley, send them to SI.com/pointafter.
Everything you need to play is in the Batter's Box. Though it may appear you're missing cards, you're not. The fun of the game is that you never play with a full deck!
ILLUSTRATION
ILLUSTRATION BY KEITH WITMER