BIG RED MACHINE
Drink to Theodore Zinck! Cornell became the first Ivy team to reach the Sweet 16 in 31 years; men's hockey won the ECAC; the wrestling and women's hockey squads were NCAA runners-up; and on The Office, Cornell grad Andy ('Nard Dog) Bernard (Ed Helms, right) finally got some sweet action.
Still want to be rude about his 'tude? The Suns' forward (right) has been scorching since the trade deadline, when Phoenix failed to find a taker for his hefty contract. In 15 games since, Stoudemire dropped 30 points seven times and the Suns were 12--3.
TIGER: BELOW THE BELT
Leave it to Trey Parker and Matt Stone to spin sex addiction into refreshing parody. In "Sexual Healing," the South Park masterminds play out Tiger Woods's Thanksgiving as an R-rated video game. Cartman: "Hit X to lie!" Tiger, meet your new adviser.
DEUCE IS WILD
In the same week that Landon Donovan left Everton for the strike-free MLS, Clint Dempsey (right) made the case for staying put: His chip shot to help Fulham upset Juventus in the Europa League may be the prettiest goal ever by a Yank abroad.
EMPIRE STATE SCENE
Cornell aside, a disaster. As of Monday four New York City--area schools were looking for men's hoops coaches (St. John's, Seton Hall, Fordham, Wagner). And Buffalo reeked: The six tournament games played at HSBC Arena (site of a sewage backup) were decided by an average of 16.0 points.
Absences by Joakim Noah (18 games with plantar fasciitis), Luol Deng (six, calf) and Derrick Rose (four, wrist) set off a 10-game losing streak. There's always next year—but with Chicago wooing LeBron, which of the current group would be around to greet him?
NIT: BELOW THE BELT
Low blows abounded in the men's National Invitational Tournament as not one but two players were tossed for throwing shots to the groin. Justice prevailed: Both offenders' teams (Seton Hall and Jackson State) lost while the victims combined for 30 points.
CBS HAS 'EM RILED
The biggest underperformer in a crazy Week 1 of the NCAAs—besides the obvious, Kansas? Consider CBS, which struggled to keep up with all the close finishes (many viewers missed out on the end of Old Dominion--Notre Dame) and made some ill-timed cutaways.
SI PLAYERS NBA POLL
WHO'S SLOWEST GOING BASELINE TO BASELINE?
Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Cavs C 27%
Shaquille O'Neal, Cavs C 24%
Yao Ming, Rockets C 11%
Aaron Gray, Hornets C 6%
Kendrick Perkins, Celtics C 4%
Slow times at Quicken: Ilgauskas was traded to the Wizards on Feb. 17, then received a buyout. He was expected to re-sign with the Cavs to help replace O'Neal, who suffered a sprained right thumb on Feb. 25.... Nets center Brook Lopez was sixth (3%).... Magic guard Anthony Johnson (195 pounds) was the only nonpivotman named; his two votes matched those for the Knicks' Eddy Curry, listed at 295.
Based on a survey of 173 NBA players
JUSTIN LUBIN/NBCU PHOTO BANK (HELMS)
NOAH GRAHAM/NBAE/GETTY IMAGES (STOUDEMIRE)
COURTESY OF COMEDY CENTRAL (SOUTH PARK)
JOHN SIBLEY/ACTION IMAGES/ZUMAPRESS.COM (DEMPSEY)
DAVID LIAM KYLE/NBAE/GETTY IMAGES (ILGAUSKAS)
GREG NELSON (YAO)