Funny 'til It's True
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LOCKOUT | NO LOCKOUT | |
AUGUST | Bill Belichick's girlfriend and kids suddenly become nation's biggest proponents of ending lockout. | Tim Tebow's mother wipes a little schmutz off his face before telling her son how handsome he looks and dropping him off at training camp. |
Thousands of Green Bay fans fill Lambeau Field and raucously cheer the sprinkler system. | Americans put down their fascinating and imaginative new hobbies so they can watch TV. | |
SEPTEMBER | U.S. crime rate officially up 5,000%. | Ben Roethlisberger thanks God he's forced to go back to work before he does something stupid again. |
Peyton Manning shrivels up into a ball and dies. | Peyton Hillis handles his 350th carry for his 461st yard—in Week 3. | |
OCTOBER | Tony Romo hurts arm tossing a shirt into the hamper. | Bills lose first four; back in the swing of things! |
Thousands of NFL fans put finishing touches on their Victorian-era romance novels. | Another Sunday, another flawless Cris Collinsworth performance. | |
NOVEMBER | Jay Cutler spends Thanksgiving pouting after passing gravy to the wrong family member. | Eagles coach Andy Reid frantically scours NFL waivers to see if any team released a tasty snack. |
DECEMBER | NFL Network custodian discovers filthy Rich Eisen huddled under a desk, uses broom to shoo him away. | Distraught Bengals fan wishes his franchise had never existed; angel appears, shows him a better universe where this is the case. |
A Raymond James Stadium groundskeeper figures there's no harm in firing off the cannons a few times since nobody is around. | Fans wish NFL hadn't been able to save those damned Thursday games that nobody can watch from home anyway. | |
JANUARY | Still no one watching hockey. | Excited Chiefs player runs into locker room carrying a thick envelope from CFL's admissions office. |
Jerry Jones holds Super Bowl victory parade for the Cowboys, who didn't not win the title. | Rex Ryan hoists Lombardi Trophy--shaped Super Bowl XLVI collectible cup of Diet Pepsi, spills soda all over shirt and living room couch. |
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GREG NELSON (TEBOW)
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JASON MILLER/US PRESSWIRE (HILLIS)
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TIM HEITMAN/US PRESSWIRE (JONES)
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MARY KNUDSON/FOTOLIA.COM (CANNON)
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DONNA WARD/GETTY IMAGES (EISEN)
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ALBERT PENA/CAL SPORT MEDIA (ROMO)
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MATT A. BROWN/ICON SMI (MANNING)
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JOHN BIEVER (BELICHICK)
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