The Strike Zone

Tracking the week's news both inside and outside the confines of cool

OUTSIDE

Split decision: Heavyweight Wladimir Klitschko and his mini-paperweight girlfriend, Hayden Panettiere, finally, mercifully called it quits.

Andrei Kirilenko's creepy full-back tat, which evokes Ralph Fiennes's Tooth Fairy serial killer in Red Dragon—and not in a good way.

Detlef Schrempf's post-NBA career as a walking Parks and Rec punchline.

Wayne Rooney celebrated Man U's record 19th league championship exactly how you might imagine, by shaving his chest hair into a 19.

Carlos Boozer's '80s-cheesy hip-hop sensibility, as heard in his verse on Twista's Winning Streak: "Dream it/believe it/do it/let's go!"

ACC Schadenfreude: The brainiacs at Duke lost a basketball recruit to UNC because they continually misspelled his name.

Bridesmaids' raunchy scene-stealer Melissa McCarthy is making a movie about Midwestern gals who steal the Stanley Cup.

Jason Segel's livid take on the LeBron-MJ debate in the Bad Teacher trailer—even if it does spoil what may be the only good scene in an otherwise meh-looking movie.

The Bruins took down a billboard suggesting that Lightning fans were a myth, like Bigfoot, after the Tampa faithful proved their existence by inundating Boston brass with death threats.

It's tough to Fear the Beard when the Beard flops like it did on Saturday.

A Wisconsin congressman used a recent economic forum to dig at Bears QB Jay Cutler.

The unbearably long off-day stretches in the Bulls-Heat series (and the rumors that they were caused by an Oprah taping in Chicago).

Wiz-bang mashup: Washington finally buried its blue-and-beige Wizards unis in favor of chic red-white-and-blue Bullets-inspired throwbacks.

The Buccaneers declined to be featured in HBO's Hard Knocks because Tampa Bay has enough... . Because they don't need... . Because... . Wait. What?

The saga of Phillies pitcher Kyle Kendricks's '08 World Series ring, which was stolen earlier this year and recovered by police last week in a swamp outside Seattle, where it was hidden inside a Mentos container.

The escalating standards of college baseball's rain-delay acts, such as Radford and High Point's catchers-with-bats-on-pitchers'-shoulders jousting match.

R.I.P. Dougie rapper M-Bone, 1988--2011. You taught us well.

LOW

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HENRY S. DZIEKAN III/WIREIMAGE (KLITSCHKO AND PANETTIERE)

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FERNANDO MEDINA/NBAE/GETTY IMAGES (BOOZER)

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CHARLES REX ARBOGAST/AP (OPRAH)

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PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES/AP (RING)

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DIMEMAG.COM (TATTOO)

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UNIVERSAL STUDIOS/PHOTOFEST (MCCARTHY)

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JOHN W. MCDONOUGH (KRZYZEWSKI)

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NED DISHMAN/NBAE/GETTY IMAGES (WIZARDS)

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YOUTUBE.COM (BASEBALL, SEGEL)

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HULU.COM (SCHREMPF)

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STEVE NESIUS/AP (LIGHTNING FAN)

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AARON JOSEFCZYK/REUTERS (JAMES)

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TWITTER.COM (ROONEY)

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SUE OGROCKI/AP (HARDEN)

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HEINZ KLUETMEIER (CUTLER)

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DOUG BENC/GETTY IMAGES (BUCCANEERS)

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