Publish date:

What I Did on Vacation....

Mulling the comings and goings of LeBron and his ilk during an NBA stoppage

With an NBA season looking less and less likely, what will become of the league's players—those who haven't already locked up employment overseas or, in the case of Delonte West, at a furniture store? SI asked the satirical seers at the Onion, whose new book of sports reportage, The Ecstasy of Defeat, hit bookshelves on Tuesday, to look into their crystal basketball for answers.

LeBron James

Enters a drag contest as LaBre'sha; comes in second to Dierka, a leggy blonde with an exotic accent.

Amar'e Stoudemire

Starts a lifestyle blog, goes to Fashion Week and generally becomes rather interesting now that he isn't, you know, preoccupied with basketball.

Joakim Noah

Nothin' special. Why do you ask?

Andrei Kirilenko

Financial considerations force the tearful hoopster to play basketball in cold, lawless Russia.

Gilbert Arenas

Adrift without the NBA to give him an identity, he repeatedly insists that fiancée Laura Govan fine him for some of the things he says.

Stephen Curry

Forced to spend his birthday all alone at Chuck E. Cheese's.

Chris Bosh

Ignores calls from LeBron and Dwyane Wade, who just want to play a little two-on-one.

Tim Duncan

Spends this off-season like any other: waiting for his phone to ring with news that it's time to play basketball.

Blake Griffin

Like many a 22-year-old man, struggles with the realization that winning the slam dunk contest may not be enough to see him through life.

Rashard Lewis

After he shocks the sports world by admitting that he may not actually be worth $22 million a year, the players' association sends him to therapy to fix his dangerously underblown self-esteem.

Michael Jordan

Bobcats owner turns over a new leaf and actually praises a player—but he chooses Andrew Bogut, so the NBA fines him $100,000.

Mark Cuban

Bored, but not bored enough to buy the Dallas Stars.