With an NBA season looking less and less likely, what will become of the league's players—those who haven't already locked up employment overseas or, in the case of Delonte West, at a furniture store? SI asked the satirical seers at the Onion, whose new book of sports reportage, The Ecstasy of Defeat, hit bookshelves on Tuesday, to look into their crystal basketball for answers.
Enters a drag contest as LaBre'sha; comes in second to Dierka, a leggy blonde with an exotic accent.
Starts a lifestyle blog, goes to Fashion Week and generally becomes rather interesting now that he isn't, you know, preoccupied with basketball.
Nothin' special. Why do you ask?
Financial considerations force the tearful hoopster to play basketball in cold, lawless Russia.
Adrift without the NBA to give him an identity, he repeatedly insists that fiancée Laura Govan fine him for some of the things he says.
Forced to spend his birthday all alone at Chuck E. Cheese's.
Ignores calls from LeBron and Dwyane Wade, who just want to play a little two-on-one.
Spends this off-season like any other: waiting for his phone to ring with news that it's time to play basketball.
Like many a 22-year-old man, struggles with the realization that winning the slam dunk contest may not be enough to see him through life.
After he shocks the sports world by admitting that he may not actually be worth $22 million a year, the players' association sends him to therapy to fix his dangerously underblown self-esteem.
Bobcats owner turns over a new leaf and actually praises a player—but he chooses Andrew Bogut, so the NBA fines him $100,000.
Bored, but not bored enough to buy the Dallas Stars.
HEINZ KLUETMEIER (JAMES)
HEINZ KLUETMEIER (BOSH)
BILL FRAKES (ARENAS)
JOHN W. MCDONOUGH (GRIFFIN)