Is This Your Franchise QB?
1. RENO HIGHTOWER
(Kurt Russell)
The Best of Times
Strengths
The hair, the smile, the cannon arm, the white shoes. A potential franchise QB with an alltime name.
Weaknesses
Decision-making (while it worked out, trusting any character played by Robin Williams to make a big catch is questionable). Balky knees.
NFL equivalent
Johnny Unitas, with an epic mullet and the ability to tune an engine.
2. FLASH GORDON
(Sam J. Jones)
Flash Gordon
Strengths
Onetime Jets savior displayed precise arm in dropping Emperor Ming's henchmen. Forward-thinking re: self-promotion (wears "Flash" shirt, even off the field). Protects Earth from evil.
Weaknesses
Romantic two-timing (Dale Arden, Princess Aura) evidence of indecisiveness.
NFL equivalent
Onetime Jets savior Tim Tebow.
3. PAUL CREWE
(Burt Reynolds)
The Longest Yard (1974)
Strengths
Scrambling. Chest hair. Shows team-building skills in recruiting other cons for Mean Machine. Notoriously accurate, especially when targeting prison guards' private parts.
Weaknesses
History of point shaving is a red flag.
NFL equivalent
Mark Sanchez for looks; Joe Namath for ability; Art Schlichter for the company he keeps.
4. DAVID GREENE
(Brendan Fraser)
School Ties
Strengths
Runs the read-option to perfection. Excellent dancer. Adheres strictly to honor codes. Brains got him to Ivy League.
Weaknesses
Steals teammate's girlfriend, the type of behavior that will poison a locker room. Public dancing could turn into public embarrassment in age of cellphone cameras. QBs with his name have historically flopped.
NFL equivalent
Jay Fiedler, for academics if not ability.
5. JOHNNY UTAH
(Keanu Reeves)
Point Break
Strengths
Quick hands (can catch a Rottweiller mid-stride). Unchanging expression suggests unflappability (or perhaps just bad acting).
Weaknesses
The knee (can plant and throw but cannot chase down culprit in tuxedo). Recklessness (jumps out of a plane without a parachute).
NFL equivalent
Rob Johnson, with more civic responsibility.
6. JOE PENDLETON
(Warren Beatty)
Heaven Can Wait
Strengths
Movie-star looks. Can return from the dead.
Weaknesses
Indecisiveness—pick a body and let's move on.
NFL equivalent
A clairvoyant Vince Ferragamo.
7. WILLIE BEAMEN
(Jamie Foxx)
Any Given Sunday
Strengths
Confidence to shoot a music video two starts into his career.
Weaknesses
A bit soft: booting all over the field is not cool. And when Lawrence Taylor lectures you for being out on the town, you may have a self-control problem.
NFL equivalent
Donovan McNabb for the throwing-up thing, Vince Young for the shirtless-at-the-club thing.
8. SETH MAXWELL
(Mac Davis)
North Dallas Forty
Strengths
Bounce-back-ability: Can play full game after a night hot tubbing with groupies.
Weaknesses
Failure to stick up for best friend, teammate Phil Elliott, betrays a certain selfishness.
NFL equivalent
Character was based on Don Meredith, so we'll say Don Meredith.
9. BIRD WILLIAMS
(Mykelti Williamson)
Wildcats
Strengths
Throws beautiful deep ball. Works comfortably with female coaches. Can easily obtain video equipment for film staff.
Weaknesses
Petty theft and fencing stolen goods to teammates are likely violations of NFL morals clause.
NFL comparison
Steve Young, if Young were a kleptomaniac. If.
10. JIMMY DIX
(Damon Wayans)
The Last Boy Scout
Strengths
Cross-generational appeal (NFL has-been lands a young Halle Berry). Rocks those leather pants.
Weaknesses
Self-loathing. Substance abuse. Point shaving.
NFL comparison
None, really. Few pro QBs wear leather pants.
11. FRANK CUSHMAN
(Jerry O'Connell)
Jerry Maguire
Strengths
Talent had Broncos and Chargers salivating. Guitar playing.
Weaknesses
Football father might micromanage him into obscurity. Don Meredith aside, SMU has lousy NFL QB track record. Only knows one song.
NFL equivalent
A top overall pick engineering a move away from the Chargers to the Broncos evokes shades of Eli Manning and John Elway.
12. SHANE FALCO
(Keanu Reeves)
The Replacements
Strengths
Adaptability (boat washer--turned-QB). Quick-drive capacity (makes it from boat to stadium in the space of halftime).
Weaknesses
Lacks confidence—except when it comes to asking out cheerleaders, a clear violation of team rules.
NFL equivalent
1987 replacement QB Sean Payton.
13. RONNIE (SUNSHINE) BASS
(Kip Pardue)
Remember The Titans
Strengths
Great hair. Cannon arm. Toughness of a young Bert Jones (upends star nose tackle from Groveton). Kiss on teammate shows refreshingly progressive attitude.
Weaknesses
Cannot run the pitch-option. Buckles when confronted by coach.
NFL equivalent
A rich man's Blaine Gabbert.
14. RIFLEMAN
(Walter Briggs)
All the Right Moves
Strengths
Comes from western Pa., a QB hotbed. Great deep ball. Better nickname.
Weaknesses
Refusal to audible away from clearly terrible play call (i.e., a handoff in a torrential downpour when taking a knee would suffice).
NFL equivalent
Randall Cunningham's arm; Joe Pisarcik's game management.
15. JONATHAN MOXON
(James Van Der Beek)
Varsity Blues
Strengths
Always on toes. Sitting behind Lance Harbor, you have clipboard duty written all over you—but Mox was ready.
Weaknesses
Passed on a whipped-cream-clad Ali Larter. Chose Brown instead of walking on at Texas and having an Applewhite-ish career.
NFL comparison
A WB version of Frank Reich.
16. PAUL BLAKE
(Scott Bakula)
Necessary Roughness
Strengths
Overcomes fact that best blocker is two-way lineman Sinbad.
Weaknesses
Makes Brandon Weeden look young. Not smart enough to stay out of bar brawl with Texas jarhead. Glacial foot speed.
NFL equivalent
An even slower Greg Landry.
17. JOE KINGMAN
(Dwayne Johnson)
The Game Plan
Strengths
Proves to be standup guy when eight-year-old daughter arrives out of nowhere.
Weaknesses
Size, skill set seem better suited to defensive line (or professional wrestling).
NFL equivalent
Jim Druckenmiller—too much time in the weight room.
18. CAP ROONEY
(Dennis Quaid)
Any Given Sunday
Strengths
Cagey veteran. Fictional accolades too many to enumerate.
Weaknesses
Back and backbone. An injury to the former opened the door for Willie Beamen. Lack of the latter kept him from standing up to social-butterfly wife.
NFL equivalent
Tom Brady with a less-awesome spouse.
19. JOE KANE
(Craig Sheffer)
The Program
Strengths
Catch phrase—"Let's put the women and children to bed and go looking for dinner"—has clear marketability.
Weaknesses
Self-destructive. Father issues. Susceptible to SI cover jinx.
NFL equivalent
An even more messed-up Schlichter.
20. JOHNNY WALKER
(Anthony Michael Hall)
Johnny Be Good
Strengths
Survives entire film alongside young, pre-rehab Robert Downey Jr. Past that, none.
Weaknesses
Cocky. Corruptible. Lacks comedic skills. Universally disliked (film has a 0% score at Rotten Tomatoes).
NFL equivalent
None: He'd be ruled ineligible before taking a snap.
CASE FOR THE DEFENSE
NFL DEFENSIVE PLAYER OF THE YEAR J.J. WATT TAKES ON HOLLYWOOD PASSERS
Which QB would you get the biggest thrill out of sacking?
The guy from Dallas Carter High in the Friday Night Lights movie. I'd hit him so hard, it'd knock the sucker right out of his coach's mouth. Go, MOJO!
Are there any who'd give you a hard time?
None. I can tell you who I wouldn't have trouble with: the Georgia Tech QB in Rudy. He seemed to go down pretty easy.
Which fictional team would you want to play for?
Remember the Titans? Julius Campbell and I would've made a mean one-two punch.
You need a female co-star—who's it going to be?
Jennifer Aniston. Franchise pick.
Know anyone else who'd make a good Hollywood player?
Two of my Texans teammates: [Tackle] Shaun Cody has movies written all over him, and I could see [center] Ben Jones being on Duck Dynasty.
Pick an agent: Jerry Maguire or Bob Sugar.
Sugar was shady. Jerry was all off-field drama. I'll stick with mine.
And this being Hollywood, you need a catch phrase....
To quote a great American hero from the newsroom at Ball State University: "Boom goes the dynamite!"
SI.COM
For more Hollywood QB coverage—including celebrities' picks and video of Paul Pabst and Andrew Perloff debating their lists—go to extramustard.si.com
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Photograph by PARAMOUNT PICTURES/PHOTOFEST
CLOSE SHAVE From the championship-caliber arm to the chest hair, Crewe looks the part of an NFL leading man, but blemishes on his character keep him out of the top spot.
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PHOTOPLUS MAGAZINE/GETTY IMAGES (CLAPBOARD)
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UNIVERSAL CITY STUDIOS/PHOTOFEST (HIGHTOWER)
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UNIVERSAL/PHOTOFEST (GORDON)
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EVERETT COLLECTION (CREWE)
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PARAMOUNT PICTURES/PHOTOFEST (GREENE)
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PARAMOUNT PICTURES/PHOTOFEST (PENDLETON)
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20TH CENTURY FOX/PHOTOFEST (UTAH)
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WARNER BROS./PHOTOFEST (BEAMEN)
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JOHN BIEVER/SPORTS ILLUSTRATED (WATT)
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PARAMOUNT PICTURES/EVERETT COLLECTION (MAXWELL)
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PARAMOUNT PICTURES/EVERETT COLLECTION (MOXON)
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WARNER BROS./PHOTOFEST (WILLIAMS)
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WARNER BROS./PHOTOFEST (FALCO)
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GEFFEN PICTURES/EVERETT COLLECTION (DIX)
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TRISTAR PICTURES/EVERETT COLLECTION (CUSHMAN)
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DISNEY/PHOTOFEST (BASS)
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DISNEY/PHOTOFEST (KINGMAN)
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20TH CENTURY FOX/COURTESY OF WB BRAND CIGARS (RIFLEMAN)
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PARAMOUNT PICTURES/PHOTOFEST (BLAKE)
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WARNER BROS./EVERETT COLLECTION (ROONEY)
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BUENA VISTA PICTURES/PHOTOFEST (KANE)
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ORION PICTURES/EVERETT COLLECTION (WALKER)