Unreal Life

Fake feeds in the Twitterverse

The return of reliever Brian Wilson to the majors—he made his Dodgers debut on Aug. 22—led to an increase in action on the Twitter account @BeardOfBrian. How does it stack up against other inanimate sports feeds?

TOM BRADY'S EGO(@TomBradysEgo)

The self-image of the Patriots QB has 24,309 followers. Style: Snarky. Sample: Looks like Geno Smith watching Mark Sanchez in practice is really starting to pay off.

Rating:

PEYTON'S HEAD(@PeytonsHead)

The noggin of Broncos QB Peyton Manning has 77,977 followers. Style: Prolific, pop-culture-heavy. Sample: #VMAs Roger Goodell was so impressed with Justin Timberlake, he's been invited to perform at Super Bowl LXXVIII in 2044.

Rating:

QUENNEVILLE'S STACHE(@CoachQsMustache)

The soup strainer of Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville has 18,093 followers. Style: Largely interactive, hirsute. Sample: @mikekozek13 I'm sorry, this mustache doesn't speak Latin.

Rating: (out of four)

LEBRON'S HEADBAND(@Lebrons_HB)

The king's cotton crown has 2,865 followers. Style: Dormant (six tweets, none since the Finals). Sample: Lebron scored 16 points without me. Please take me back

Rating:

RAFA'S KNEES(@RafasKnees)

The creaky joints of Rafael Nadal have 994 followers. Style: Informative. Sample: Waiting to find out if I'm injured. Stay tuned.

Rating:

POP CULTURE GRID...

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What athletes are thinking	Funniest person you know	App you can't live without	Song you can't stop singing	Best nickname a coach ever gave you	First celebrity crush	Movie you watch every time it's on TV
Serena Williams	Sascha Bajin	Mobli	"Against All Odds" by Phil Collins	Meek	Chris (Mack Daddy) White	Forrest Gump
Dax McCartyRed Bulls, M	Stephen Keel	Seamless	"Wake Me Up" by Avicii	None worth mentioning	Kelly Kapowski	The Shawshank Redemption
Tiffany HayesAtlanta Dream, G	Armintie Herrington	Instagram	"Fashion Killa" by A$AP Rocky	Silent Assassin	Bow Wow	Titanic

+ Bajin is Williams's hitting partner, Herrington is a Dream guard and Keel is a former teammate of McCarty's. "He likes to dumb the soccer language down as literal as you can possibly go," says McCarty. "He always refers to training as 'soccer kicking practice.' For some reason, whenever he says that, it's the funniest."

+ "An AAU coach gave me that," says Hayes, who is averaging 11.6 points, "because I'm being effective even when you don't see it."

They Said It

"I had to Google 'existential crisis.' It was an existential crisis."

Jayson Werth

Nationals rightfielder, after being frozen by a 57-mph eephus pitch from Carlos Villanueva of the Cubs on Aug. 21. Werth, who had homered on a 94-mph fastball in his previous plate appearance, flew out two pitches later.

EXTRA MUSTARD ON SI.COM

To get up close with Khris Davis, this week's breakout performer presented by Schick, go to SI.com/breakout

FIVE PHOTOS

TWITTER.COM

TWO PHOTOS

SIMON BRUTY/SPORTS ILLUSTRATED (WERTH, WILLIAMS)

TWO PHOTOS

EVERETT COLLECTION (FORREST GUMP, KAPOWSKI)

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TOSHIFUMI KITAMURA/AFP/GETTY IMAGES (NINJA)

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INSTAGRAM (INSTAGRAM)

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SCOTT CUNNINGHAM/NBAE/GETTY IMAGES (HAYES)

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JULIO CORTEZ/AP (MCCARTY)

FOURTEEN ILLUSTRATIONS