The Tense Present

SI crawled through the archive of sports-related U.S. patents filed over the last two years and found a few unique items in the pipeline. Unless you have some very specific needs, one of these products could become the white elephant of a Christmas future

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ouch

Bleeding Helmet

Idea: An outer shell oozes "blood" so MMA trainees know they've been KO'd

Who's it for: The Grasshopper so dense he doesn't realize when he's been hit in the head—hard

fan

drink

Fan-cooled Chair

TOTALLY COOL?

Idea: A foldout flop spot with a battery-operated fan for those warm-weather tailgates

Who's it for: That beefy bro who breaks a sweat jumping out of the shower

your team here

Bandwagon Cap

Idea: One baseball hat, multiple team logos that can be swapped out

Who's it for: Justin Bieber? Larry Brown?

tough look

Cauliflower Ear Muffs

Idea: Pop-on ear coverings that make any average wimp look like a hardened wrestler

Who's it for: Bushy-bearded, tattooed hipsters dying for more attention

attractive

Magnetic Headgear

Idea: Helmets that repel each other

Who's it for: Players who don't go near metal lockers, referee's whistles, car keys....

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

There were 10 Heisman voters who did not have winner Marcus Mariota in their top three. The Oregon quarterback threw for 3,783 yards, 38 TDs and only two interceptions.

FIVE ILLUSTRATIONS

GOOGLE.COM/PATENTS

PHOTO

JULIO CORTEZ/AP (MARIOTA)