Fan Mail
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
January 23, 2003
We just signed some guy named David Ortiz. I was excited until I saw he was RELEASED BY THE TWINS!!!! WTF are the Sox doing signing a guy who was RELEASED BY THE TWINS?! It's time to admit we're going to die without ever seeing the Red Sox win a World Series. I'm done with baseball. I'm going to use the free time to learn French. Au revoir.
FROM: mike_schur / TO: seth_meyers
January 24, 2003
Who cares about some scrub Minnesota didn't want. We have Giambi! (Jeremy, not Jason, but whatever: A Giambi is a Giambi.) Plus I know Theo is planning to claim Dave McCarty off waivers if the A's ever let him go. We're fine!
Oh, God, we're never going to win the World Series.
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
September 17, 2003
David Ortiz is exactly the kind of player I have been begging the Sox to sign for years. Don't go for big splashy free-agent signings. Find a scrap heap guy from the Twins with something to prove! Have you and I ever been as happy doing anything as David Ortiz is when he's playing baseball?
FROM: mike_schur / TO: seth_meyers
October 18, 2004
David Ortiz just won two elimination playoff games, by himself, against the Yankees, in the span of 24 hours. My first child will be named David Ortiz Schur. And if it's a girl? David Ortiz Schur.
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
October 27, 2004
Not only will I name my first child David Big Papi Ortiz Yankees Suck Meyers (boy or girl), but each year on their birthday I will tell them it wasn't until the Red Sox won the World Series that I even wanted to have children. For before that day, the world was not safe for them. And now it is safe. Because Papi made it safe.
FROM: mike_schur TO: seth_meyers
Are you crying right now? I'm crying.
FROM: seth_meyers TO: mike_schur
I am crying very hard, yes.
FROM: mike_schur TO: seth_meyers
I love David Ortiz. I love him so much. I want him to be my dad. Question for you: Is it a good idea for me to get a tattoo of his face covering my entire back? Please say yes, or else I am going to live my whole life with a half-finished giant Ortiz head on my back.
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
What if I get the other half of his face on my back, and then we walk around with our shirts off, bringing joy to people? I think it is likely that the Red Sox will now go another 86 years without winning a World Series, and I am O.K. with that. Feel free to contact me if I am wrong.
FROM: mike_schur TO: seth_meyers
October 28, 2007
Hey, Seth, guess what? David Ortiz just went 17 for 46 with 14 walks, six doubles and three HRs in the postseason, and the Red Sox casually won another World Series. You told me to contact you if this happened.
I heard someone on TV suggest Ortiz could be elected mayor of Boston. If John Kerry had been elected president, I honestly think Papi would have gotten a Supreme Court appointment.
FROM: seth_meyers TO: mike_schur
October 29, 2007
If not the Supreme Court, at the very least Ortiz should have his own judge show. The Papi's Court. He'd listen to both sides and then clap his hands, point to the sky and issue his verdict. Everyone would agree that his decision was just and fair. Then he would bang his gavel and flip it over his shoulder. How do we make this show happen?
FROM: mike_schur / TO: seth_meyers
February 19, 2008
Look, I know I said I was going to name my son after David Ortiz, but we went with a different name. I know you're going to be upset, but please forgive me.
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
When I heard you named your son Will, I'll admit I was angry. But then I thought, Who has more will than David Ortiz? Mike slyly tricked his wife into naming his son after Ortiz without having to have an awkward conversation! (I am giving you the benefit of the doubt. Take it.)
FROM: mike_schur / TO: seth_meyers
July 31, 2009
Ortiz's name was on the (supposedly anonymous) list of players who tested positive for something in 2003. They won't say what it was, or even if it was confirmed. This has a real chance of lowering the number of consecutive terms he will serve as mayor of Boston from 12 to 11.
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
Here's what David Ortiz tested positive for—positivity!!! He is an upbeat person, who brings joy to many. And that is a crime now??? Let's never talk of this again.
FROM: mike_schur / TO: seth_meyers
October 1, 2010
It's time to admit that David Ortiz is done, and that is O.K. What did we expect? That he would play until 2016 and go into the All-Star break that year with 22 home runs, 72 RBIs and an OPS over 1.000?
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
Look, it was an amazing run! Obviously there was no way he was going to play for another six years and go into the All-Star break in 2016 with 22 home runs, 72 RBIs and an OPS over 1.000, as you facetiously suggest. Thank you, Papi, and bon voyage!
FROM: mike_schur / TO: seth_meyers
April 20, 2013
David Ortiz just started the post-Marathon-bombing Fenway opener by saying "This is our f------ city." Then he was elected Supreme High Emperor of New England and converted into a beam of pure light that is now illuminating the Citgo sign. He is my favorite living human being.
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
The most Boston thing ever said in Boston, when Boston most needed it, was just bellowed into a microphone by a man from Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic. This was a line that was destined to be uttered by a Sully or a Murph, yet it could not have felt more honest or authentic than it did coming from Big Papi. And—and—the Boston he was speaking for, and to, is a different Boston, a better Boston, thanks in no small part to the fact that he made us all winners. Dear Lord!
FROM: mike_schur / TO: seth_meyers
I'm crying again, heavily.
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
Yes, I am also crying very hard.
FROM: mike_schur / TO: seth_meyers
October 30, 2013
David Ortiz just went 11 for 16, with two homers and eight walks, in the World Series, and the Red Sox casually won their third Series in our lifetimes. He also hit an eighth-inning grand slam against Detroit (after the Sox were one-hit in Game 1) to save the ALCS. Is it a good idea to have plastic surgery to make myself look like David Ortiz? Super important that you say yes.
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
So excited about this plastic surgery plan but worried about your lack of size. Perhaps better if each of us gets surgery to look like half of Ortiz? Only downside would be the amount of time we'd have to hang out to get the full effect of what I'm assuming is a costly procedure.
FROM: mike_schur / TO: seth_meyers
March 28, 2016
Saw the birth announcement. I get it. And I forgive you.
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
I assume you're referring to the fact that I named my son Ashe, and not David Ortiz. I can see how you may think I failed to keep our promise, but if you rearrange the letters of Ashe Meyers you get Mashers Eye, and what is David Ortiz if not a masher, and what is a more important part of a masher than his eyes? So really, I honored our agreement and named my son after David Ortiz.
FROM: mike_schur / TO: seth_meyers
You asked your wife and she said no?
FROM: seth_meyers / TO: mike_schur
Yeah, it was a hard no.
MEYERS is the host of Late Night with Seth Meyers.
SCHUR is a creator of Parks and Recreation, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and The Good Place.
"He was elected Supreme High Emperor of New England and converted into a beam of pure light that is now illuminating the Citgo sign. HE IS MY FAVORITE LIVING HUMAN BEING."
THE WALK-OFF
Papi's Notes: To be honest, I had nothing to do with this story—SI's editors said the last three pages were reserved for a couple of TV guys who like the Red Sox. I read it and all I can say is: Now you know why it's so great to play in Boston.
