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What Will Be

Prognostications for the year ahead
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A NEW YEAR brings an opportunity to look ahead, so as 2017 dawns, SI polishes its crystal ball to predict the most Extra Mustardy headlines of the coming months.

QUEUE BELIEBERS

Desperate for ticket sales, the Arizona Coyotes sign Canadian native and beer-league tough guy Justin Bieber as an enforcer. Fans across North America line up to see the pop star get pummeled to the tune of his hit song "Sorry."

FASHION NO-SHOW

Thunder guard Russell Westbrook averages a triple double, but his team loses in the NBA Finals when he shoots 22 for 60 in Game 7. Oklahoma City throws a parade anyway, but Westbrook blows it off to shop at Prince's estate sale.

"HEY, I'M OPEN!"

In his ongoing attempt to be like Mike, Kobe Bryant attempts a comeback—with the Double A Birmingham Barons. He abandons his dream after realizing it's possible to play an entire game without touching the ball.

CROSS THAT BRIDGE

The Jets sign quarterback Tony Romo. Feeling jilted, Jerry Jones asks a certain fan-boy governor to snarl traffic around MetLife Stadium on opening weekend. When Romo at last reaches the final tollbooth, he fumbles his change.

BEST COACH ON THE PLANET

Jim Harbaugh's Wolverines go undefeated, but he leaves Michigan before the playoff to accept Elon Musk's $1 billion offer to start a football league on Mars. Harbaugh vows to embrace the gig with an enthusiasm unknown to extraterrestrial life.

THEY SAID IT

"I WISH I HAD HIS BODY. SO DOES MY WIFE."

Wade Phillips

Broncos defensive coordinator, while sharing his opinion that linebacker DeMarcus Ware, who had back surgery on Dec. 30, will be fit enough to play next year.

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Steelers LB Bud Dupree used a chunk of the $200 cash bonus players got for winning the AFC North to buy 14 bags of candy from a gas station.