DEAR CLEVELAND, Akron, Youngstown, Northeast Ohio, Bits of North-Central Ohio and, What the Heck, Let's Send This Baby All the Way Down to Cincinnati,
Please disregard "MEDIA reports" about LeBron James possibly leaving our beloved Cavaliers after next season. I can PERSONALLY assure you I would NEVER let this happen-even though I did once, but that was NOT my fault and it will NOT be my fault if it happens next year, which it WON'T, as we have already ESTABLISHED.
I understand why you are concerned. LeBron James is arguably the best player on my team, and he was annoyed recently when I let a general manager he respects, David Griffin, leave for another job. Also, Griff actually doesn't have another job. He just said, "Adios, Danny Boy!" RUDE.
And we went through the first 10 days of free agency without a general manager. I tried to hire Chauncey Billups, but he pulled out because I wouldn't give him money or power. And people say I'm being foolishly cheap and obstinate and clueless and making the same mistakes I made before, but I ask you: If those people are so smart, why didn't THEY win an NBA championship in 2016, like I did?
The fact is that, contrary to "media reports," we DO have a general manager. I just haven't released his or her name yet. It's top secret-y stuff. Just TRUST me that he or she is doing EXACTLY what it takes for Cleveland to win another championship (with the assistance of our players), and everybody on our team is LUCKY to have him or her, including LeBron James, the player people always seem to mention first, inexplicably.
I will admit that the self-titled King and I had some philosophical differences when he left for Miami. I released a letter calling him a former hero, selfish, heartless and a coward, and said nobody should ever want to be like him. (Yep! I wrote that! Mr. Gilbert really BROUGHT IT that night!)
I have since forgiven LeBron James. I know he may be frustrated again, and he can be a free agent next year. But please, folks, do NOT panic. Remember: Our Cavaliers have several small forwards but only one majority owner, and I mean NO disrespect to LeBron James, who has ABSOLUTELY been one of our best small forwards.
My final word here on LeBron I-Can-Only-Imagine-the-Poop-Storm-If-Dan-Gilbert-Called-Himself-"King"-but-Nobody-Cares-If-I-Do-It James: If he DOES leave, which he will NOT, we'll be fine. I've won the lottery before. I'll win it again. You can take it to the bank. Better yet, take it to one of my casinos. Tell 'em DG sent ya.
I LOVE YOU.
What other letters should owners write?
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