BATTLE OF THE INSUFFERABLES

Two caustic personalities, 627 pages and countless cringeworthy moments. As these self-proclaimed kings of trash talk go head-to-head in print (both books are out on Oct. 24), there can only be one winner—just kidding, there are no winners here.

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MICHAEL RAPAPORT Former aspiring NBA player, now an actor	AUTHOR	SEAN AVERY Former NHL forward, now an aspiring Shakespearean actor
"Halftime! My Spiritual Connection with the Housewives of Bravo TV."	MOST EYE-ROLLING CHAPTER NAME	"I Look Good in Blue."
Page xv: The book's editor writes, "This experience raised my already high blood pressure to a semi-dangerous level, but I realized I'd been working for too many years with professional adults and would have to readjust my style."	FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE	Page ix: "One of the few improvements [to a Gordie Howe Hat Trick—goal, assist, fight] is the Sean Avery Hat Trick: playing a great game, going to a club and getting wasted, then taking a supermodel home for a nightcap that lasts till sunrise."
"As many of you may or may not know, I was the MVP of the Celebrity All-Star Game in 2010. Look it up; it's true."	SELF-PROCLAIMED ATHLETIC ACHIEVEMENT	"The moment I put my hands in [Martin Brodeur's] face, I realize that this is incredibly smart. As in, a moment of genius."
"I was the MVP of the Celebrity All-Star Game in 2010."	FACT THAT IS MENTIONED TOO MANY TIMES	"The fans at Madison Square Garden chanted my f------ name."
"I'm sorry, but your hero Bill Russell is not the best, and he's not the second best, and, no, he's not even the third best. He doesn't even make the Rapaport Top Ten."	HOTTEST TAKE	"Mike Modano is the hockey king of Dallas, which is like being third-string on the Dallas Community College football team. No one has chanted his name at MSG."
"Look up LeBron's SI cover, August 8, 2016. It looks like a bootleg cover for a low-end fitness magazine."	SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SHOUT-OUT	"Her name is Hilary Rhoda, she's 22, and she's from Chevy Chase, Md. She's a SPORTS ILLUSTRATED swimsuit model."

THEY SAID IT

"HIS FATHER PUT HIM IN THE LION'S DEN WITH SOME PORK CHOP DRAWERS ON."

SNOOP DOGG

On Lakers point guard Lonzo Ball (left) and his publicity-hungry dad, LaVar, after Lonzo's underwhelming NBA debut (three points in a loss to the Clippers).

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Last week the GAISF granted "observer status"—the first step in approval for an Olympic event—to pole sports, better known as pole dancing.